OK

Here is how it goes:

I am a Cockney Bitch and also Don Carbonara.

Rosie is a Cockney Pimp and Don Tagliatele.

Aimee is a Cockney Ragamuffin from the streets of Kentish Town, and also runs the Triads.

Adam is a camp hairdresser called Isaac who is a general Mafia bitch and also may be dying of Plymouth Disease.

And... I wasn't at school today. I was savaged by a rabid cat.

The sad truth is that I am only half joking.

Women Jailed For TESTICLE ATTACK

Woman jailed for testicle attack

A woman who ripped off her ex-boyfriend's testicle with her bare hands has been sent to prison.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.

She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: "That's yours." (Oh really? I thought it was Terry Brandons....hadn't even noticed it was missing...)

Monti admitted wounding and was jailed for two-and-a-half years.

'Pulled hard'

Sentencing Monti, Judge Charles James said it was "a very serious injury" and that Monti was not acting in self-defence.

The court heard that Mr Jones had ended his long-term but "open relationship" with Monti towards the end of May last year.

The pair remained on good terms and on 30 May she picked him up from a party in Crosby and went back for drinks with friends at Mr Jones's house.

An argument ensued and Mr Jones said there was a struggle between them.

In his statement, Mr Jones said she grabbed his genitals and "pulled hard".

I am in no way a violent person Pfft! Amanda Monti

He added: "That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain." (I wonder why...)

The court heard that a friend saw Monti put Mr Jones's testicle into her mouth and try to swallow it.

She choked and spat it back into her hand URGH!!! before the friend (What a great friend!)grabbed it and gave it back to Mr Jones (Their you go mate.....have your testicle back...). Doctors were unable to re-attach the organ.

In a letter to the court, Monti said she was sorry for what she had done.

She said: "It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person." Yeah okay! All of us 'non-violent' people go around pulling off testicles

The letter added: "I have challenged myself to explain what has happened but still I just cannot remember. This has caused much anguish to me and will do for the rest of my life." Well....yeah! You pulled off a testicle and put it in your MOUTH! Lots of mouthwash for you M'Dear......

Urgh. Urgh. Urgh.